I have a number of clients who struggle with employees in the Gen X (born between 1965 and about 1980) and Gen Y (born between about 1980 and the early 1990s) generations. My advice: learn everything you can about them, empathize with them, learn how to appreciate them, and learn how to access their generous qualities. They come from a completely different mindset from those of us in the Baby Boomer generation. It is nonsensical to judge them. They are neither worse nor better than us; they are simply different. And it is even more nonsensical to dismiss them.   Like them or not, they are part of our world, indeed part of us. Where to start? Wikipedia is always a good place nowadays (Gen X and Gen Y).

(By the way, I also have a number of clients who will take Gen X’ers and Gen Y’ers over ’Boomers all day long, and are doing quite well.  Without exception, they are the ones who took the time to get to know them.)   

From an article in the July 21, 2008 issue of Fortune, a word of wisdom from John Wooden, the former UCLA men’s basketball coach who led his team to a record 10 NCAA championships:

The high-impact leader is a master at being bold yet supportive in his or her communication. He or she communicates the tough calls in the most positive manner possible. The message, even if it has negative consequences for the listener—such as a termination, a demotion, a reassignment, or some other denial, rejection, refusal, or removal of something the listener wants—can be delivered in a supportive way that does not make the listener “wrong.” Criticism, of course, is never positive unless it is delivered in an environment of support. Suppression never accomplishes anything positive. Support always does, regardless of the message.

I am continually amazed at the number of leaders who shrink from the task of delivering bad news. For instance, it is almost epidemic how leaders will leave underperforming team members in place because they are afraid of having the tough conversation in which they demote, reassign, or terminate them. The answer, I believe, is first in taking personal responsibility (see chapter 5 of The Source of Leadership) and then in learning how to be supportive in his or her communications.

Terminating a team member is one of the most difficult tasks any leader has to face. I can say, however, as someone who has studied and applied the principles of connected communication for over twenty years, that I have only had one or two negative termination experiences in my career. A team member who is not performing up to expectations, and whose performance has not been responsive to remediation efforts, knows that he or she is not a fit for the organization long before the leader delivers the message. I have found in most cases that the actual discussion, provided it occurs in an environment of honesty and support, usually brings great relief and a level of healing to the leader and his or her departing team member.

With every communication, you as speaker should ask yourself, “What message will open my listener to my purpose and elicit the response I would like?” As the communication develops, another good question is, “How is my listener responding to my message?”

As a listener, you should try to ask yourself in every communication, “What is the speaker’s purpose and message?” As the communication unfolds, you might ask, “What response do I want to convey to the speaker?”

Ideally, the messages exchanged are crystal clear, perfectly reflective of what the parties intended to communicate. To attain the ideal—a connected communication—words, silences, and nonverbal messages must be carefully crafted by the speaker and highly scrutinized by the listener to maintain connected communication.

Words. As a speaker, your first task is to choose your words very carefully. Use the words, the phrasing, and the intonation that will work for your communication purpose, not for your comfort, convenience, or ego.

As a listener, careful attention must be paid to the words used by the speaker. If the speaker is inarticulate, however, you’ll have to work through his or her words to perceive the message being communicated.   A former investment banking client of mine, for example, could never say anything clearly. When he gave me the assignment to sell his company, he grumbled something over the telephone like, “Well, I’m not really liking this situation. We’ll just stay in close contact and see what happens.” I had no idea I had the assignment until I talked to his chief financial officer immediately after. His reference to staying in close contact was tantamount to what most people would express as, “You’re hired and I look forward to working with you.”   Over the course of my relationship with him, I learned to look for the message beneath or behind his words and got quite competent at it.

Interestingly, at least with the verbal voice, listening to ourselves is one of the most neglected practices in communication. With the written voice, we usually listen to ourselves by editing what we write before we communicate our message. With our verbal voice, few of us rehearse and once it has been expressed, we usually don’t pay close attention to exactly how it sounded. Interestingly, most people I know who listen to recordings of themselves are unhappy with the way they sound.

I have found it highly beneficial to record myself in practice communications. If I have an important telephone call to make, meeting to attend, or speech to deliver, I’ll do more than just jot an outline of what I’d like to convey. I’ll record my comments on a little digital recorder (I like the Olympus ones) ahead of time and then listen carefully for ways that I can improve. Alternatively, I’ll rehearse what I want to say in front of someone whom I can trust for candid constructive criticism.

In “venting” communications, you “air out” your emotions. You might be angry, for instance, and need to express your anger to another person to relieve the tension inside of you.

Unlike socializing, a lot more strategy could be used here. In my experience, most people vent too frequently and with too little forethought. They then come across as negative people and often alienate more positive-minded people with whom they interact.

I suggest four rules for venting:

1. Remember the old maxim of questionable origination, “Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by ignorance or stupidity.”  Our fears tend to take us immediately to the place of believing that someone has a mission to damage us. In reality, that is rarely the case. People just don’t have time to intentionally wreck our lives. But we ascribe the worst to the other and then react with the malice we have perceived on his or her part.

2. Let some time pass. By definition, venting is reacting, but you likely want to reduce the amount of venom in the reaction and time usually helps greatly. The amount of time varies, but it must be enough so that the next rule can be satisfied.

3. Express what you feel and only what you feel—not how wrong someone is or what a jerk someone is. A person who was neglected at an important company meeting might be initially inclined to react with the following comment to his friend, “Joe, my manager, is an &#*@!&!!!! He’s as bad as they come. What a jerk! I wish they’d fire his &#*!!!” A much healthier reaction would be, “I feel angry that Joe did not ask my opinion at the meeting. I feel hurt. I am afraid that he may not think highly enough of my opinion to ask me them in front of a group of people. That makes me sad and I am afraid that I may not have a future with this company as long as Joe is my manager.”

4. After expressing your emotions, focus the communication on the positive things you can do to improve the situation. The neglected employee might say to his friend, “I am thinking about asking Joe to grab a cup of coffee with me and expressing how I feel. What would you suggest?”

In a "socializing" communication, where you are just communicating for enjoyment or to build a relationship, there usually is not a lot of strategy needed. The purpose being social, the strategy is generally to have fun, communicate love, or share experiences, thoughts, and emotions. I have found it is useful, however, to examine my social interactions for ways I can improve them.

Next time: “venting” communications.

In a "learning communication," where you are trying to extract information from the other, there are two primary considerations that affect strategy: the quantity of information you need or want, and the time and other needs of the other.

If the amount of information is large, you might use open-ended questions, allow the other to deliver the information as he or she sees best, and fill in the voids with more specific questions later. If the information is small, you might be very direct and specific.

You’ll want to respect the time needs of the other. Look for signals from him or her, and consider asking directly, about the time he or she has available for you and make adjustments accordingly. What about his or her other needs? Do your best to anticipate possible fears and make his or her communication with you as safe as a possible. If the other needs confidentiality, then commit to it if you are able and honor it without exception, or explain why you cannot commit to it.

Above and beyond the time needs and fears of the other, consider the exchange needed by the other. If you consider that nothing in life is a one-way flow, then you must consider what the person producing the information needs in exchange. Given that this is usually an implied need, intuition is critical in identifying it. Perhaps the other needs the feeling that you will offer information he or she needs back to him or her at some point in the future. Perhaps he or she needs your gratitude. Perhaps he or she needs your respect or approval.

Next time: “socializing” communications.

While conveying information, self-confidence and confidence in your message, discernible to the listener, is critical in establishing your credibility. The key is to deliver your message with confidence but without condescension, arrogance, or closed-mindedness. If you are truly “in the shoes” of the other, this shouldn’t be an issue. Your mission then is to convey information clearly and concisely.

Next time: “learning” communications.

Persuading involves trying to convince one or more people of something. At a structural level, Yale University psychologist William McGuire broke the process of persuasion down into five key steps. Each step must be satisfied, or the persuasion process stalls and fails.

First, the speaker must win the attention of the listener, which is best done by creating a message that appeals to the listener.

Second, the speaker must assist the listener in comprehending the message. Clear language and vivid examples are very helpful.

Third, the speaker must secure belief from the listener. If the speaker has pre-existing credibility with the listener, this step is made much easier. Without pre-existing credibility, the speaker usually relies upon evidence that supports his or her message, as well as sincere enthusiasm about the message.

Fourth, the speaker must ensure that the listener retains the message, which is best accomplished by repeating the message several times. Obviously, the best speakers are extraordinary talented at using memorable catchphrases or catchwords that simply do not allow the listener to forget the message.

Finally, the speaker must request clear and prompt action.

Next time: “informing” communications.

Every communication has a purpose or multiple purposes. Even when you don’t think you have a purpose, you actually do. Sometimes it’s just entertainment. Often, it is a desire to learn. You will find it immensely helpful at the beginning of any communication to do a quick mental check of your purpose. Are you trying to persuade? Are you trying to inform? Are you trying to learn? Are you socializing? Or are you venting?

I then suggest forming a strategy to accomplish your purpose. In my experience, this is something very few people do, or at least very few people do well. They have a sense about the purpose of the communication, but they spend little time and energy in developing a strategy for accomplishing it. Ask yourself, what will define a successful communication. What do I need to do to achieve that result? 

Next time: “persuading” communications.